Hubby....Iman n Me

salam...it has been long seen my last update (not for business matter - grumbling i mean)...yea its pretty tight here with so many things till at state where i asked 4 days of weekend n 10 days for weekdays can be considered a week calendar ..crazy me so i say (ya aku tergolong org yg jarang pernah cukup dgn apa yang ada...(even that i dunt think its enuff...)

if you are wondering where and what i am now...eerrmm me at home after put my son to bed...n make sure hubby is done with the tablets n such....hoping he can close eyes n sleep, but thats not easy for him nowdays...i tell you y later....

i made me feel gud by writing or reading..thats the regime i found out since my younger days ...called destressed... so now i am writing again...let go my inside says...

since last week my feeling of putting words to sentence here getting more n more but its matter of time.... lame excuses haaaa?

i can write lil bit better if only i have been fighting with emotion and i am at state where panic hitting me all the way....yes where i am now...at this moment....

so to make me easy on this...to let me handle this easy i will write by topic...hehehhe nampak sangat aku hanyalah pengarang picisan..(isshh teringat roman picisan - dewa...yeaaahh Dewa 19 still my favorite group ever....)

My BEST FREN Wedding Invitation...
last 2 weeks (cant really remember when ( sedap lagu "Remember When" teringat plak dah...)...exactly...if need evidence i will check the sms) i received this SMS ..its a kind of invitation from a best fren to her weeding...actually not quite invitation but a confirmation to a wedding , with that confirmation so we will be send a card ....yeaah i admit with full humble and honest that diff ppl have diff ways doing things...life change, time change, we change, tech change so things no longer traditional....i was suppose to understand that.... pretty well n clear.. but the hurt part is , she is my best fren so called...
before that i sms her few times asking her 'silent mode' ...wanted to know her condition abt life of coz im not goin to be bz body after all im not that kind...she learned that ...i just want to know she is doin fine, ok n happy like i am now...im married doesnt mean i forget fren...still making fren n looking to have more fren...
she is in silent mode till i get that sms inviting me ..i choose to be silent in case she will sms asking abt it (yeaah sapalah aku nak berlagak DIVA kan....not what i mean ...) till today she dunt even border to sms, not to mentioned call....so i am kinda KECHIK HATI ...( oo drama me now, seriously i do)...i admit she is only a best fren i hv since i work here, have been crying n laughing together...now i am wondering this line that always pop up to me lately ...What are fren for ? or to be precise What are Best Fren For...? errrm i leave it to you reader... i think best fren share, best fren want her best fren to b there on her big day ..or else not that quite idea .. or i perasan ..im not a best fren...BINGOOOOo..or maybe she now is pretty great in career...im happy for that n im happy for myself being a hsewife too...
but as human i wish she has found someone that will die for her...like i have...happy moment and to be really prepare to share ups n downs... excuse me i will not pray something bad to her as i never do that..i have wonderful life so i shud pray others have too.... i wish her the best she can have...me? nahhh its ok im moving..in case she is reading this...it is very sad not seeing you in your dream gown at that such great wedding...it is sad when i have been waiting for years to celebrate your big day but i cant... but congratulations...
i shud call her? nahhh think again..at least put me a words that u r getting married....1000 excuses can be given....i am ok with that...just sometimes we know what is suitable...not what is rite or wrong.... i again here wish you happy marriage...

Business...Biziness....
lately i have to make a sacrifice to off hand for a while ...with what i am doin at the moment.... ( my hubby is screaming painful.....he is bitting his tongue for the 4th time while i am writing this emo write up)
last week my son Iman was on fever almost a week , + dehydrated...+ i am scheduled with family matters..wedding n invitation..u know such invitation you cant say no...when it come to family ..n in my opinion you shud not say no when you can make it...
Iman was on fever ..high fever...and his mouth full of ulser...refuse to drink n even worse dunt even manage to give him a physician description at all...things get worse on 3rd day..so he off for a week from nursery..taking care sick child need you to feel full of patient coz during that time ...child is very fragile...when fever temperature up, he start to cry, cranky and you will not understand what is goin on n what is he crying for...obviously cry for nothing.... less sleeping, work at mess + all the unnecessary shown up things....duhh u imagine urself.... but Thank God i manage to handle with extra help from hubby that such far patient than i am... he is the anchor for the whole story here...so Iman manage to recover after a week .. but now he is force to drink water..any liquid as he can drink...however in bright side...he is into soya bean drink...n on the bright side i also know that ice cream sooth sore throat...and i manage to chat with his doctor on many things i didnt know during the visit.. so i take this things so much positive...than the pain of taking care sick child..maybe what i have let go for a week of wage, is uncompareable with the knowledge i had....urrmm worth pain i said.... but to see him smile and giggle again..brighten my whole life ...make me more gud than better..

System is DOWN
in a marriage...i always think it as a unit of components (sound like an engineer haaaa?) that later on create a system from such variable of software...errmm sound technical here but do not get confuse...what i am trying to tell you guys is ...in marriage there will be a husband, wife and their kids...so add on to that is the respective family member....+ the fren or foe, co worker, neighbour and public that you dunt know....so all this is make a system of life...systems that very related, supporting each one, depending to each other and in need of one another in many ways. If one of the components is down it will surely effect the related one ..(dunt deny it is true)..in this case, i take my beloved hubby...he is now at a state of where i can say i am panic seeing him sick like this... even i am aware he is..
since our marriage, he never fall ill like this , as sometimes he is...due to his CML (Chronic Myloeid Leukemia)...but this time he is really sick where i make him to emergency last friday...
his condition OK..if compare to some patient i saw...his fever start few days back before i rush him to emergency...so far fever comes and goes..but this round, its getting up and up...where later on friday morning he wish to be warded rather than staying home waiting it will be gud, or meeting regular physician nearby...so i know by that line i shud do something immediately... driving by himself to Ampang is really cruel of me by not having a driving license (I SWEAR I GET IT ONCE HE IS OK)..been there at 11am ..blood taken for H1N1 test if in case...x-ray done ...ding dong here n there waiting at 4pm (yes u count how many hours we waited in really cold aircond and no bed given to him as he not really emergency case...but he almost fainted...) we met the respective physician at oral n surgery due to his tooth infection...just coz of the tooth trigger to that fever and such...CML patient cant deal even with small infection.. thats what we known better from the workshop we attended and arranged (again to max family...) antibiotic given, dentist apt scheduled , and we went home without a chance to meet the hematologist. The hematologist was suppose to at least attend to his case as he is residence patient to the hosp.... but ...errmmm i cant comment more.
now the fever still goes up and down....gump swelling sometimes bleeding... drink is painful ..so dehydration is the next one...completed with ulsers, throat problem, mean no food ..no solid food, even a soup is major no no no.... so can u imagine how...imagine how he feel...imagine how i feel abt him..looking at him telling me he is hungry but cant take food... all this while he is easiest man in earth abt food... n stomach start crying for food..now he is having another prob....tablets given is quite heaty + the current prescriptions is well known hell to swallow....its fighting inside...he is accidentally bitting his tongue during his sleep , so mean no sleep... i wish i can replace him for this pain...i wish...at least i can pay his kindness to care of me during my confinement with i can proudly say he is the BEST MAN....I EVER IMAGINE IN THIS EARTH...coz he never even hurt me that time..
i still remember he is taking care of me alone during my confinement at Ramadhan period...with no experience..then i said to myself, he is too gud to have this CML...i wish he never have to go thru this at any reasons.....but somehow he is strong man that i never ever heard any complaint form his mouth that CML is no gud...he take it very very well...but can you see your loved one like this....i cant...so do fren, family, n others....but what we can do, we hope this components will be recover soon and make the systems running well at new version....so we wish..

ME??
i am panic, i am weak, most of all i am sad too sad that i cant do much... un-describe helpless ..but i kinda strong when i know this is a lil test given to me...if say one day he is bed ridden helpless...how can i face this? how do i react? taking care of love one that is sick is diff from taking care of someone we dunt love....way to diff..i know i saw this ..( i have to give a standing ovation to my parents on how they taking care of my sick grandma for 15 yrs ...esp my mum coz she is in-law)..
after all that i can do as a wife..i hug him tight to seek a strength in him..telling him i am actually afraid of this...i am really helpless, i dont know what to do....how much i love him after all the differences and disagree....that the most i wish i can replace him for at least feel the same pain...
most ppl said i need to be strong, of coz thats the rule...how do i survive about that? i talk to my son at late nite when he sleep telling that things gonna be ok with his dad and we will laugh again watching ratatouille movie for the 1000 times.... i bought all magazines stuff that i never bought before so i treasure new things..errmm it work that way hheheheh ... and for that DVD which is collecting dust all these while, i take my nite shift to watch them ( FYI i am now at DVD 4 1st season Desperate Hsewives...yeaayy at last i did it after almost a year bought it but still have season 2 & 3 to finish man.....maybe after this i am looking to have all the Korean love story movie....its killing my emptyness, worriness, n it pays my money ...)

confession: i cant even share the feeling abt him is sick at the moment...somehow i dunt know how to react when he said he is hungry, he is in deep pain when try to swallow....i cant tell u guys how....tears run when i hug him asking him to be patient ...coz i know he is far strong than i am....sure its is killing me ...coz i look so strong only outside...i weak inside...coz i afraid i am losing him...
confession 2: i am not gud nurse, i am very strict and fierce...so be careful..
confession 3: i understand that outside my cave, there are a lot more ppl who is deeply in their own problem far worst than i can think of, so i Thank God again.... at least i still can blog abt this...yeahhh i think i shud stop shout abt i hv a problem...


I want to..
change myself to where the state i know i have to NOW n i can...
just take this things slowly and try to overcome fear, unnecessary worry and keep update myself with positive thinking...look at the bright side rather than crying helpless..i can help myself so i can help him too..
i need to care myself better, i need to be extra informative so i can handle my other components well...
i want to make my other day brighter by saying to myself...its now or never...

Thanks..
For those smses, calls or anything done to make things get better, your wish, gud say, pray ..appreciated...i am so thank God having great ppl in this beautiful life.. (tq Fan on beautiful Life)
I cant say more than Thanks...coz i mean it....

so for you guys...love your love one every minute you have despite your differences and disagree . Coz when you two grow older....you only have each one to love and feel the living ... coz you alone life is so empty...to treasure...to live..
Hug your beloved while you can, kiss them a great gud nite while you can, say sorry before you sleep for that you argue for the day...so you sleep happy...and the most is DO NOT FORGET TO TELL YOU LOVE HIM/HER coz it may be the last time you can do...who knows..at least you tell...
we can be regret of two things...by what we tell n not tell when we can...